The Very Last Post: So Much Has Happened, So Much Has Changed.

Greetings, dear reader! I have not posted over here in YEARS. I actually forgot about Ramblings of the Blissfully Blonde until the other week, and a few days ago I sat down and read the whole thing in one sitting. It took me about 14 hours, and it was actually really cool. It was like...reading a journal. I giggled at some things, and shook my head at a few things. I rediscovered a part of myself that has been missing for a time now, and the past few days I have felt more like myself than I’ve felt in a long, long while. And, above all else, I was absolutely amazed at how much I’ve changed and grown - not just in the past four years, but the past seven.

So much has happened. In some ways, I’ve changed so very much. Yet, at the same time, it’s more like I had courage to finally be true to myself, to be authentic. I’m still getting to 100% authenticity, in that I still am working up the courage to be honest with everyone about who and how I am. But to myself, I am there.

I just felt so incredibly trapped for...years. My whole life.

I was born into that awful LDS religion and started to believe that I was never going to get the chance to leave. So I forced myself to take part, threw myself in as much as I could bear, and pretended until...until it became second nature. That did affect some of my posts over here.

And I finally worked up the nerve to say, “ENOUGH.” I told my parents that I didn’t share in their beliefs, in this charade of a religion.

Because of the LDS religion, I was beaten, raped, bullied, brainwashed, belittled, and shamed in every way a person can be shamed. And then told it was all my fault for being a sinner, for being unworthy of God. A “God” I don’t even believe in. And, trust me, that’s really glossing over things. I’ve opened up completely to a handful of people, and they have asked me how I’m still functioning and unbroken.

The answer is that I was shattered and ruined day after day, week after week, for twenty-one years. I was full of rage and hatred and violent thoughts - thoughts of revenge, of justice. But I turned it on myself instead of them. Suicide attempts, cutting, and putting myself in life-threatening situations. I wasn’t unbroken. But I clawed my way out, took the hand of My Love, and healed.

And then I left.

I embraced my true beliefs and self. I won’t dive into all of it, but some of the things I mentioned on here jokingly, I really did believe in but just...didn’t have the courage to be true to that.

The fact is, I do believe in other dimensions - not in the fantasy sense. I do believe in dragons, in some form. I also believe in mermaids and leprechauns and faeries and the like. I believe in reincarnation. I love science, and I love energy and psychics and New Age things. Mostly, I love not being a member of anything.

I medically died one Summer and then came back; my body was absolutely ravaged from...everything. But switching over to organic food when we did enabled my body to start reversing the damages in time. I still remember leaving my body very clearly and looking down at myself, watching as my mom held my hand and wept. It was an experience I'll never forget.

I’m also bisexual. I couldn’t admit it to myself for the longest time, and sometimes I would pray until I was screaming, and scream at “God” until my throat was raw and I coughed up blood - just begging to be “fixed”, demanding to know why I was “born wrong”. I finally came out to myself, and to my parents - along with some close friends, and my brother’s wife. Eventually I’ll work up the nerve to tell my brother too, when he’s less hateful of my kind. My parents took up the banner of Mama and Papa Dragons, and fiercely defended me and learned everything they needed to learn, and have made me feel so safe and so incredibly loved.

They left the LDS Church too.

I finally learned how to wear Lolita properly ;) , and got into Fairy Kei and Mori Kei too. I also embraced the Gothic, Steampunk, and Renaissance parts of me as well.

I actually modeled for a time too, before I got fat. And I got fat. It happened in less than a month, uncontrollably. That was really hard to deal with, because when it happened, I was eating primarily salads and exercising regularly. There were just some things outside of my control, which we’re almost done fixing. So, I’ve learned how to be at peace in my own skin and genuinely love my body and realize that I’m still a babe with the weight. A great growing thing.

I know I’m not ugly now, and I actually really love photos of me now. I’m damn photogenic, and I love being a canvas.

I was also engaged to my Soul Mate, and he passed away. The last two years have been spent in devastation and confusion and anger. Trying to make sense of it, trying to find the part of me that seemed to break away after he died, working through insanely intense PTSD, and finding that I had strength to stand on my own two feet without him holding me.

(One of our things was playing chess together - and this was taken for him for when he was traveling and we were apart [and we played over the phone and IMing during those times]; titled "Let's Play Chess". I wish to keep images of him private.)

I’ve faced abandonment, betrayal, and cruelty from an amount of people I didn’t think was possible. And slowly, I’ve been coming to terms with it and opening myself back up.

I’ve also figured out what the hell it is I want to do with my life, which is really exciting - and I will be over the moon when I’m finally ready to go to college and get that rolling.

I’m a professional photographer now, too. Nature, and also people. One gig was a dream-goal come true: I was flown to another state and paid several hundred dollars for it, and it was absolutely amazing. I wanted to quit photography so many times, but something stubborn and passionate in me wouldn’t allow it. Years of learning, making mistakes, brushing myself off, and growing made me into a person of skill. A person who has been sought out for advice a few times over the years by other photographers of varying skill. Ironically, it’s not what I want to do with the rest of my life (though is something I’ll continue to do in addition to my truest desires and passions). But I did learn that devoting myself and time and patience and learning to a craft really is worthwhile, and that that’s something that can be done.

I also learned that my letter to U.S. Feminists was, ah...well. While I won’t apologize, for that was who I was at the time, I will admit that my understanding on true feminism was skewed by the “feminists” I was linked into, who were either very frivolously minded and naive or extremely cruel to their men and boastful about it. I should have done my research. True feminism does extend to men too, and does reach for real equality. So, for my lack of proper research, I do apologize. As I’ve learned more about true feminism, I’ve more-or-less “converted” to it.

I’m not painfully shy anymore, and more and more I kick anxiety and doubt and fear in the ass and tell it to get out of my way. I’m so much more comfortable around people, even strangers, than I was. I can strike up a conversation with just about anyone now with great success. I’ve learned how to be wiser around people too. I’m not a coward and I’m not a doormat. I actually attribute A LOT of that social growth to ‘My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic’. I’ve learned how to be a good friend and how to find good friends, how to build healthy, non-toxic relationships, how to communicate, how to be...Gods, I’ve learned so much from that show. It’s made a huge difference, and I wholeheartedly recommend it to anyone and everyone of all ages.

I’m...in some ways, I’m still the same Blonde I always was, and in so many other ways I’m so different than the person I was. Because the person I used to be was just a mask, a pretense. I’ve grown so, so much, and I am so happy!

I am strong, I am intelligent, I am fierce, I have gained wisdom, I am adventurous, I genuinely laugh despite everything I’ve been through, and I own my potential. I just...anyway. I’m not the Blonde you read about anymore.

Don’t be afraid to be who and how you are, dear reader. And remember: You are ever-evolving, and it’s never too late to be a better and truer you.

Signing off for the last time,

With Love: Bryn