I had a pretty magical experience a couple of weeks ago. :) I have been dealing with a lot of hardships and have been reaching a lot of breaking points lately where I just break down crying for hours and hours at a time. A few weeks ago I...I honestly was pleading with God to let me pass in my sleep that night if I was only meant to suffer. Or, if things were to get better, that I could wake up the next morning. I woke up. How was I feeling at that point? That is best summarized as this: Hoo-freaking-ray. ;)
There are a lot of inspirational quotes out there about how misery and happiness are choices you make, not states of being. I have even said that more than once. "How can you be cheerful after being so sick for so long? Why aren't you bitter?" I just made that decision. But...I think now I can only agree to a point.
You can choose to be happy. You can choose to let the simple every-day things bring you happiness. Sunrises and sunsets, crickets chirping late at night, birds in the early morning, watching bees and hummingbirds go from flower to flower - all of these and more. You can choose to allow yourself to see the beauty of the Earth and let it fill you with warmth and pure joy. Everyone can.
But...no matter who you are, from the most ignored person to the most well-known person, from a street urchin to an emperor...even if you look for little joys...eventually it all catches up to you. Loneliness, heartache, regrets. It all comes back to you and you can't help but break down and feel miserable. The future looks dark and lonely, miserable. Even hoping starts to seem pointless.
Amid all of that turmoil, though, something keeps you going - keeps you living. Keeps you hoping, even if it is just a small flicker of hope. A small spark. I cannot give up on the only thing, person, in my life that felt right. That gave my life a meaning for once. That is what keeps me going. A hope for a second chance.
Even though I have a hope that keeps me going, it doesn't change some of what I have to deal with. To summarize: Abusers wandering the same city and even neighborhood. Don't socialize well. Everyone I meet somehow already knows someone I know and by extension they think they know me because "so-and-so only socializes with these types of people, right?" Various locations in the city bring back bitter, painful memories. Rumors flying around about me that...are harmful and untrue...but I can't defend myself because I don't get a chance to but also because I don't want to sink to the gossiper's level.... Life...life catches up to me sometimes. I can choose to find things to be happy about and live in joy. For a time. Eventually I still reach a breaking point. I am only human, after all.
I want to get away from it all. How can I continue to live like this? I'm afraid to wander too far outside of my home. After a night of crying about it all and ranting to my parents about it, it was suggested to look outside of the current options we had explored.
I bitterly went, "Maybe we just need to move to a new city in a new state and I need to change my name and dye my hair." My dad kind of chuckled and after a moment said that maybe we could look into moving into another city. Somewhere fresh and new. Somewhere where we - I - are not known. My mom had been talking about a city she wanted to someday move to, maybe some years down the road. My dad mentioned this particular city and I asked if mom had mentioned she wanted to move there. He told me she hadn't. I'll admit that even I have felt a little drawn to this city. We've gone there a few times for lunch. It's small and has a comfortable, happy atmosphere. Cleaner air. Slower pace. It has a...an almost "small town feel" to it. Loving, I guess.
I was still feeling a little miserable and in despair the next morning. I went out into the very back of the backyard and sat there, staring up at the trees and sky. Looking out into the garden. Petting my little girl kitty. Then this bird swooped down overhead, lower than normal, and landed in a tree next to me. She sat there and watched me as this half of an eggshell fell into my lap. I picked it up and could feel a smile crossing my lips. I carefully turned it in my fingers and let it rest in the palm of my hand. It was like a symbol of hope and new life. A freshly hatched egg. That baby bird had to struggle to break through its shell before beginning its new life.
Of all of the places that bird could have dropped that eggshell, she dropped it in my lap. In its way, it felt like a miracle and like a sign that we were on the right track and that things are eventually going to get better. :) I took the eggshell inside and set it on my shelf to help remind me of this. <3 It is a wonderful gift from Mother Nature. :)
I...I took a few pictures of it. :) One of which is next to a quarter to show the size. ^_^
There are a lot of inspirational quotes out there about how misery and happiness are choices you make, not states of being. I have even said that more than once. "How can you be cheerful after being so sick for so long? Why aren't you bitter?" I just made that decision. But...I think now I can only agree to a point.
You can choose to be happy. You can choose to let the simple every-day things bring you happiness. Sunrises and sunsets, crickets chirping late at night, birds in the early morning, watching bees and hummingbirds go from flower to flower - all of these and more. You can choose to allow yourself to see the beauty of the Earth and let it fill you with warmth and pure joy. Everyone can.
But...no matter who you are, from the most ignored person to the most well-known person, from a street urchin to an emperor...even if you look for little joys...eventually it all catches up to you. Loneliness, heartache, regrets. It all comes back to you and you can't help but break down and feel miserable. The future looks dark and lonely, miserable. Even hoping starts to seem pointless.
Amid all of that turmoil, though, something keeps you going - keeps you living. Keeps you hoping, even if it is just a small flicker of hope. A small spark. I cannot give up on the only thing, person, in my life that felt right. That gave my life a meaning for once. That is what keeps me going. A hope for a second chance.
Even though I have a hope that keeps me going, it doesn't change some of what I have to deal with. To summarize: Abusers wandering the same city and even neighborhood. Don't socialize well. Everyone I meet somehow already knows someone I know and by extension they think they know me because "so-and-so only socializes with these types of people, right?" Various locations in the city bring back bitter, painful memories. Rumors flying around about me that...are harmful and untrue...but I can't defend myself because I don't get a chance to but also because I don't want to sink to the gossiper's level.... Life...life catches up to me sometimes. I can choose to find things to be happy about and live in joy. For a time. Eventually I still reach a breaking point. I am only human, after all.
I want to get away from it all. How can I continue to live like this? I'm afraid to wander too far outside of my home. After a night of crying about it all and ranting to my parents about it, it was suggested to look outside of the current options we had explored.
I bitterly went, "Maybe we just need to move to a new city in a new state and I need to change my name and dye my hair." My dad kind of chuckled and after a moment said that maybe we could look into moving into another city. Somewhere fresh and new. Somewhere where we - I - are not known. My mom had been talking about a city she wanted to someday move to, maybe some years down the road. My dad mentioned this particular city and I asked if mom had mentioned she wanted to move there. He told me she hadn't. I'll admit that even I have felt a little drawn to this city. We've gone there a few times for lunch. It's small and has a comfortable, happy atmosphere. Cleaner air. Slower pace. It has a...an almost "small town feel" to it. Loving, I guess.
I was still feeling a little miserable and in despair the next morning. I went out into the very back of the backyard and sat there, staring up at the trees and sky. Looking out into the garden. Petting my little girl kitty. Then this bird swooped down overhead, lower than normal, and landed in a tree next to me. She sat there and watched me as this half of an eggshell fell into my lap. I picked it up and could feel a smile crossing my lips. I carefully turned it in my fingers and let it rest in the palm of my hand. It was like a symbol of hope and new life. A freshly hatched egg. That baby bird had to struggle to break through its shell before beginning its new life.
Of all of the places that bird could have dropped that eggshell, she dropped it in my lap. In its way, it felt like a miracle and like a sign that we were on the right track and that things are eventually going to get better. :) I took the eggshell inside and set it on my shelf to help remind me of this. <3 It is a wonderful gift from Mother Nature. :)
I...I took a few pictures of it. :) One of which is next to a quarter to show the size. ^_^
Have a great evening, dear reader, and remember that for every down there is an up. :)
Love,
Bryn
No comments:
Post a Comment