Dango! (Japanese Dumplings; 団子。)

    Mmm! Dango! :D So I felt a strong want to learn how to make dango (funny, because I've never had it before), and tonight I finally did. :) I wanted to share some pictures. For the recipe, please visit this Blog, "Fitter Than Choc":

 http://fitterthanchoc.blogspot.com/2011/03/mitarashi-dango-japanese-sweet-dumpling.html

    I am very pleased with these. <3 They are quite sticky, and very tasty!! :D :D I didn't use a ton of sauce because my system doesn't like sugar all that much, but a little every now and then is okay. :) Thank you so much, Fitter Than Choc! ^_^ Haha, I should probably find your name.

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    Thank you, Kayla/Yukina! ^_^ <3

    Very filling and satisfying treat! ^_^ Thank you again! :D And readers, you should totally give this recipe a try. You won't be sorry. Just saying. ;)

Have a yummy night, dear reader!

Love,

Bryn

Link From Single Dad Laughing.

    Just real quick; I saw this post today. I think it is a great post that needs to be read, and is applicable to mothers as well as fathers. There has been a lot of controversy flaring up about the post, which I find very sad. =/ But it is a very important issue. Please take a moment to visit his site and read this if you haven't already:

http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/you-just-broke-your-child.html

    That's it for today.

Have a great day, dear reader, and remember to always treat children with utmost respect.

Love,

Bryn

...Legacy?

    I was re-reading my "Pretending To Be Bad-Ass (Revenge Gone Wrong)" post. I wanted to provide the link, and clicking on the post made me want to read through it since I hadn't really looked at it since posting. I got like a fourth of the way through and just started crying.

    I feel so awful for my Grandmother. The kind of "legacy" she is paving to leave behind is so tragic. Her own daughter and granddaughter felt like they had been hurt by her enough that they wanted to more-or-less prank her and make her feel uneasy or paranoid. Because...what? She had been hurt in her youth and felt like she had every right to pass along that pain? Causing pain because of pain does not end pain. But misery loves company, and pain is a form of misery. I wonder...if my Grandmother will truly be missed whenever it is that she leaves this life? What kind of stories will be told to her posterity about her? Or will there be no stories because the memories were too upsetting to those telling? How long will she be remembered in the family line? How long until she's just another name in the genealogical records?

    Then it got me thinking: ...What about...me? What kind of legacy am I paving? Is it good or bad? How long would I be remembered in the family line after I passed? How long until I was just another name in the genealogical line? You know?

    Eventually we all fade, and the memories of us fade. Because those who personally knew us will leave too. But...I know there are some ancestors we still talk about. Maybe we don't remember all the details - heck, some of them we don't actually remember their names. But we remember their stories, and we tell those stories. We want to tell stories of these ancestors, for any number of reasons. Intrigue; lessons from good or bad; honoring them for a feats of bravery; for settling a town; for just being kind, or loving; for having the most incredible sense of humor and finding joy in the face of adversity where others would not or could not; for saving lives; for being someone good...any number of reasons. I am certain every family has ancestors like this. Ancestors they tell stories about because of a legacy they paved.

    Will my grandmother have that? Will I? For what reasons?

    Not that it matters too much in the end. I think everyone has a desire not to be forgotten. Few are remembered long-term, though. And the ones who are...it is either because they were too horrible to forget, or so good that posterity want to remember them.

    Will stories of my grandmother's cruelty be told to teach posterity what can happen when they let grudges and pain rule them? Or...will everyone be glad to forget her?

    If stories were told of me...would they be good or bad?

    It really got me thinking. I want to be the kind of person, that if I am remembered...I am remembered for being a good person.

    What kind of legacy are you paving for yourself?

Have a good day, dear reader, and remember to contemplate the journey from time to time.

Love,

Bryn

PS: Legacy has a few definitions. The one I am referring to in this case is something being handed down from generation to generation. Stories are handed down, and so memories can become a legacy.

Old Prologue.

    So I was browsing through some of my old short stories, poems, and books. I was searching for something particular, and stumbled across this old prologue. Haha, I was cringing as I read it. :D I started the story in late Elementary school, and then wrote this prologue in late Junior High. So about 6 or 7 years ago. YIKES!! It leaves A LOT of room for improvement (especially when you get into chapters 1 and 2 [I was writing about 13 books around that time, so never got very far in most of them, haha]). xD But it was fun to re-read and reminisce, so I wanted to share it with you guys. ^_^ Just for fun~

"PROLOGUE

    It felt as if cold hands were grasping at my throat, blocking off my supply of oxygen, and I could feel my eyes go wide as I gasped for what little air I could right as who must have been the Overlord they mentioned walked in. His black eyes, hard and cold, seemed to pierce through me, stabbing my mind as his eyes bored into mine. His pasty skin was tight, and you could easily make out his jaw and cheekbones. His light brown hair was pulled back into a loose ponytail, coming very easily to his shoulders. This man, I was certain, had been the one that destroyed my village. This was the man that I needed to kill in order to gain my vengeance.

    I looked over at Shinitee slowly to see him staring in a hateful manner at the Overlord. I glanced back at him, drawing in a shallow breath. Did the rest of the group recognize who this really was? I sighed internally; likely not. They didn't have the same motives as Shinitee and I. They hadn't had their villages destroyed by the Dark Lord's armies."

    Haha, oh man. I was like 13 or 14 years when I wrote this, so I'm trying not to be too hard on the writing. :) I can just see all the areas it can be improved. That's the fun thing about hanging onto old writings, though, is that you can see how far you have come. :D

    Anyway, that's it, haha. Just felt being a little reminiscent. Not a serious post in the least bit. ^_^

Hope you have a marvelous day, dear reader! :D

Love,

Bryn

Dad Grew A Strawberry!!! :D

   SUPER short post! :D SO EXCITED. So, my dad for years and years has always wanted to grow a strawberry patch. :) He's so funny. He's a really good gardener, but always says how he hates to garden. But the one thing he's always wanted to do is successfully grow a strawberry plant. :D He has been trying for years, and it hasn't worked.

    This year, we got a surprise plant. :) One of the seeds that was planted last year decided to sprout this year instead! So he's carefully been keeping an eye on this plant and making sure it will grow. :) Mom got several starters the other day so that they could pollinate one another and hopefully keep things growing.

    Dad came in from the garden yesterday morning with this:

    SUCCESS! :D Haha, I'm so happy for him. ^_^ I know the close-up picture is kind of fuzzy, but...well, no real excuse. It just turned out fuzzy. XD Pictures do that sometimes. :)

    He was so excited that he started talking about how, down the road, that whole section along the fence is going to be a strawberry patch. :D

    So, I wanted to share my dad's success with you guys. :) It may take years of patience and trying from the start over and over again...but in the end, some things will start to blossom and reward your efforts. ^_^

Have a wonderful morning, dear reader. <3

Love,

Bryn

deviantart!

    Hahaha, real quick: I made a deviantart account! :D I've been thinking about making one for a few years so I could "stalk" a few friends' artworks...and just never have until now. XD I take so long to do things sometimes, I swear. *sigh with a smile* Anyway, I am posting about it here, because I'll likely post some things there that I've posted here. You know, art-wise. :) Not that I've posted artsy stuff all that often or anything. At least, I don't think I have..? Anyway! Because of that, I wanted to share that I made a deviantart here. ^^;;

    I would hesitate about providing a link to my profile since I used my real first name, except...well...if any of you have seen some of the comments on some of my posts, you probably already know it. :) So much for a pen-name to keep me super-secret and let me think I was all cool and mysterious. ;) Ah well. Bryn is still a nickname I am fond of. Anyway, if you are interested in taking a look, here is a link:

http://purplegumdropsyum.deviantart.com/

    Woo~ Yeah. I'm not sure I'll actually be terribly active on there at this point. xD You guys know how I am. I don't Blog consistently, and sometimes I forget I have a Blog for months at a time. :) On another note, I thought about it...and I have decided to share about my "colorful past" mentioned in the previous post. Starting with my favorite: Lockpicking. ^_^ Don't worry, I have never done anything technically illegal with any of my "shady skills of a questionable nature"...but you'll find out about all that a little later. :)

Have a fantastic day, dear reader! :D

-Bryn

Pretending To Be Bad-Ass. (Revenge Gone Wrong.)

     Tonight I decided I would pretend to be bad-ass. *shakes head and sighs* I say "pretend" for a reason. I couldn't be bad for just one night. I'm technically a reformed bad girl, which makes it more surprising that I couldn't go through with this. I may or may not tell stories of my colorful past in future posts, we will see. :) For now, just know that this tonight wouldn't have been a big deal back then, at all. Now a days, that is not the case. I turned over a new leaf, and BOY DID I TURN a leaf. I turned it and glued it down with liquid nails, apparently.

    My grandmother on my mom's side is a narcissist, and a completely cruel, cold-hearted bitch. Which is kind of an insult to cold-hearted bitches everywhere - I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Right then. I've been having a hard time of it the last few days on an emotional-level. Last night, I cried like crazy. Tonight, I was angry and wanted to do something kind of naughty. My mom jokingly suggested going to egg my grandmother's house, since we only live a few blocks away. Then I chimed in that we had some corny toilet paper we needed to get rid of anyway. Turns out, she had gotten rid of it.

    Anyway, several minutes passed and that little Devil-Bryn on my shoulder quietly chanted, "Do it, do it!" and I started going, "YEAH. Why shouldn't I?! I'm in a bad mood, and if anyone deserves something bad, it's her!!" The little Angel-Bryn reminded me that it was illegal. With a roll of the eyes, Devil-Bryn suggested keeping it legal.

    I told mom that we should do it, but instead of egging and TPing her house, we should leave a package of toilet paper with a carton of eggs and a note on her doorstep. I typed up the note, and mom went to get ready. The note, I chose to do in rainbow colors partially because my grandmother hates that sort of a thing. Anyway, here is the note:

    (For translation purposes, I am re-typing what the above note states: "Hi there. We really wanted to TP and egg your house, but we didn't want to risk getting caught and arrested. So we decided to leave you this note with some eggs and toilet paper instead. :) Have a nice day... Incidentally, this font is called 'good times'. Man, is this good times. Could be better if the law wasn't an issue, but this is fun too. Don't you think? We also ran out of black ink, and I like rainbows. Don't you? :) Have a sizzling Summer.)

    I wanted to put a "yo" at the end, so, "Have a sizzlin' Summer, yo." But that was too long. Yeah, this is so super tame compared to what we could have done and what I wanted to do and what a lot of people probably would have done. I know. And by "sizzlin' summer", I meant, "I hope it's a blistering hot Summer and that your AC breaks!" I'm terrible, I know, but...I'm human. :)

    So, we go and get the stuff, and we also got chocolate. I can honestly say that this is the first time we have ever gotten the total of $6.66 on anything:

    You know...before we left the house...mom had ran into a fan and knocked it down. I remember thinking in that moment, "Maybe that's a sign that we shouldn't be leaving to go do this." and then waving it off. I had the same thought when the total came up like that. Like, "Maybe that's a sign that we're listening to bad influence right now." Waved it off again, though, because I was kind of in an, "I don't care!!" mood.

    So we get to her house and I get everything set up (oh, and we were listening to "No Apologies" by Bon Jovi for a theme song). Right, so I get it set up, and then we start to leave. Then mom suggests going back and moving it against her doorstep so it wouldn't fall. And mom gets an epic silhouette shot of me. So I'm feeling awesome and rebellious and  pumped!

    Then we start leaving again and there's this cracking noise as we pass under her Pine tree. And after a minute, a pine-cone falls to the ground. Mom jokingly went, "Maybe the tree disapproves!" and I was honestly thinking the same thing and wondering if we should take it back. But, we left. Came home. Oh, and it is 1:00 in the morning, by the way. So the neighborhood is asleep. Mostly. Then I start telling about it to some friends and start feeling more and more guilty. We justified our actions as, "Taking a stand", "Taking our voices back", "What she did wasn't Christlike, and we're taking the high road by not destroying property", and "The note is anonymous, she'll have no idea who it's from", etcetera. But this guilty feeling just would not go away. So finally I told mom that I felt really, really bad. After some discussion, we went back.

    I couldn't be "bad" for one night. I mean, what I did wasn't even all that bad. I felt bad-ass in the moment, though.

    I realized that we were only proving that we're just as bad as her. What we were going to do was really minor, and we were even joking about leaving toilet paper and eggs again in a few months with no note to freak her out. Psychological warfare. Honestly, what I was doing wasn't therapeutic like we tried to justify. It was just me being in a bad mood and wanting to take it out on someone, and I know that my grandmother is not an innocent woman. I mean, no one truly is, but she's one of the worst. I was telling myself it was okay, because it would be therapeutic for my mom who had to grow up with the woman's abuse. It wasn't okay, though.

    I knew a long time ago that I didn't enjoy being a bad girl. I told myself for years that I did, and...that's why I have a more colorful past than some others. Nothing super bad, but enough that I could have gotten into trouble if I'd gotten caught. I never felt fulfilled, and there was always this hole. As I've been doing my healing, and especially over the last year, I've more and more gotten in touch with who I am. I like being nice. No. I LOVE being nice to people. What I was doing tonight was not nice and I was sinking to an abuser's level. We weren't breaking the cycle at all like we've tried to do. We were just adding to it. Anonymously, yes, but still we were adding.

    As long as someone acts on vengeance-seeking, the cycle continues. As long as someone tells themselves that since they had a hard childhood, they have every right to make their children's childhoods bad, the cycle continues. My grandmother is the latter, and I was about to become the first. It needs to stop, though. There is an abusive cycle that has been going on for generations in my family, and my mom decided she would stop it. Me and my brother are supposed to finish it. We had to go through some neglect as children for mom to do her healing...and since we have healed before having our own families, our someday-children will truly have fresh starts free from the family cycle.

    So, I took it back.

    We went into stealth-mode (meaning, we turned off the car lights. You know, because a white van at 2:00 in the  morning isn't obvious if the lights are turned off) and parked across the street by the church. I quickly got out and ran over to her porch, keeping low in case she happened to be passing the windows. I grabbed the note and then debated on leaving the eggs and toilet paper. We didn't need it and can't use it because of my allergies, and she would probably use it thinking that it was just a really weird gift. Then I shook my head and grabbed the items too. We would probably be able to find someone else to give it to, I figured. Then I started running back.

    Mom said I looked funny, running in my fru-fru dress. (I had fluffed the skirt part out with a crinoline, you see.) And then BAM! - down I went. There was a split second where I thought I could catch myself, and I did, then the eggs started falling and I tried to catch them. I let everything go and fell forward, putting my hands down and turning my head off to the side, bringing one of my legs up to my stomach to brace for impact. I have a lot of falling experience, you see. Tonight it paid off. I finally achieved a 10 out of 10 for falling gracefully, according to mom. ;) I quickly got up and grabbed everything as mom came out of the car to see if I was okay. I said I was fine and to get into the car, worried that I may have made enough noise to wake somebody up.

    Shoving everything into the backseat, I went, "This is what I get," hop into the front passenger seat, "for trying to be bad-ass and then taking it back. If I had just left it alone, I wouldn't have gotten hurt. Man, who knew being good could hurt so much!" We looked down at my hands and one injured leg to see blood slowly oozing out. Oh how "fun". :) It really is not as bad as it could have been, and maybe would have been if I didn't have so much falling practice. Anyway, so we were cracking jokes on the way home. One of which was that the Devil must have tripped me because I wasn't being naughty anymore. Thinking about it, there really wasn't a reason as to why I should have tripped. I'm not saying really was the Devil or one of his minions tripping me. I just don't see how I should have tripped is all.

    Then dad said karma was a bitch. THAT'S SOME FAST KARMA. Mom asked when it would hit grandmother-dear...and then realized that maybe she was her own karma. She's one of the most miserable people we know.

    Real quick: Injuries~

    I learned some important lessons tonight.

    1. It is not up to us to take things into our own hands and do bad to those that we feel deserve it. Eventually, nature takes its course and bad things happen to them in their own way. Sometimes ripples take a while to bounce back, but if you are patient, the ripples that a bad person started will come back to them 10 fold. Ripples always make their way back to the source, and the longer it takes for them to bounce back, the bigger they will get. But it isn't up to us to do that for nature. We just make our own ripples. Mine bounced back pretty fast tonight. :)

    2. Revenge. It does sound sweet, and in the moment it is. But...it really does leave a hole in you. A hole that makes you unhappy with yourself.

    3. If you feel bad-ass, you probably aren't really. ;)

    4. Stay true to yourself once you figure yourself out. If you aren't, you won't be happy and you'll just feel more and more miserable. You may even start snapping at people when you wouldn't normally, and get a headache. (My headache is gone now, for the record.)

    5. It isn't too late to remedy a bad decision. Sometimes you can catch it in the early stages before it is likely to have been hurtful to someone, like we did tonight. And sometimes, it will be later after the hurt has been dished out. But it still isn't too late in those cases. Just come forward and apologize. It doesn't mean you are buddies now, and they may not even be receptive to an apology. But as long as you are sincere, you have remedied yourself, and it is now up to them whether or not they accept your remedy for themselves. You'll start to feel better either way. Until then, a part of you will feel weighted down.

    So that was my shenanigans for the night. :) My blonde shenanigans. I'm sure some of you are sitting here going, "Only a blonde . . . *face-palm*" ;)

Have a wonderful night, dear reader, and don't let the wee hours of the morning go to your head too much. ;)

Love,
Bryn

PS: I apologize for any offense from my swearing. ^^;; I am going through a phase right now, and will work on being better about that in the future.

A Fun Discovery. :D

    So I LOVE horses. <3 I could be out with horses all day every day if I had the opportunity. So it was fun to go along a back road near a local lake and find a ton of horses, some of which enjoy receiving attention from random strangers. :) I won't get too into our experiences right now (meaning, I am tired and will likely come update this particular post a little later, haha). But I wanted to share some pictures. ^_^ I need to find another excuse to go back and visit them some more~ Most of the pictures I'm in were taken by my mom on her phone. :)

    Horses are such beautiful, beautiful creatures. <3 I think I love them so much because, in some ways I am a bit of a kindred spirit. :) I'll get into that when I update the post a little later, when I am more awake. ^_^

Have a fantastic evening, dear reader! :D

-Bryn

What Do You Think, Dear Reader?

    Well, I took a photo this morning while doing a self-photoshoot for my other Blog (those posts have yet to be made at this point, haha). After I looked at it, I was kind of surprised at how pale I looked since I had white lace against my skin. I showed it to my mom and she started going on about how it looked like it belonged on some magazine cover. Haha, I really don't know about that, but she's sweet to say so. :D If I wasn't so fat, I think modeling would be fun, actually. xD Anyway, so then she had me show my dad and he was like, "I didn't give you permission to become a woman!" Well, I was later commenting how I just looked pissed off and my mom insisted that it is more of a sexy, "come hither" kind of a photo.

    I wouldn't normally do this, but I am curious now: What do you think of this photo, dear reader? Is the expression angry, or more "come hither"?

    Any comments and opinions are welcome, just as long as you keep it clean. :) Thank you for any participation in settling my mom and I's debate. :D

Have a wonderful night, dear reader!

-Bryn

So, I Ate Chocolate.

    I had a very awful experience yesterday, and I am still upset. I am feeling very hurt. Honestly, I feel a need to suddenly try and change myself to be accepted by...well, someone.... I don't know. I'm not really going to change myself, not after I finally figured myself out, I just feel a strong want to be accepted is all.

    I gave someone a compliment yesterday, and it ended up being such an awful, awful experience. Before I get into the experience, let me tell about myself a bit:

    I have spent most of the last year in bed. Before this past year, I had a very hard time interacting with people. I am painfully shy when it comes down to it. It doesn't always look like I am, but I am. I more-or-less only have one friend, and I almost never see her because life gets crazy. It happens. I try to be kind others, because I am very lonely...even if I don't show it. I know what it is like to be having an awful day and getting a compliment from or having a conversation with a stranger always brightens it. I know from acquaintances and family that working in a store isn't always easy, and that sometimes customers give you a lot of crap. I like to either strike up a small conversation with those who help me at different stores, or find something to compliment them on. I figure you never know when someone is having a bad day, so always be kind. When I pass people on the street or in a store, or even just making eye-contact with someone while driving, I like to give them a smile. It always makes me feel happier when I get a smile from someone. Knowing these things make me happy, I try to do them for others.

    So I was at a store I have been going to for quite some time, as it is one of the few stores I can go to for food that won't kill me, and the cashier checking me out was one I had never seen before. She must be new. Not to be completely rude, but...there wasn't much to compliment her on. She was...unique-looking...and her clothes were, well, a little baggy. But she had a cute voice. I don't mean that in a creepy way. You know how some women have voices that have kind of a sweet, high tone to them, and sometimes by their appearance you wouldn't guess it? Yeah, like that. I had a friend in high school with that kind of voice (though, she is also very pretty), and I told her as much. She had smiled and said thank you. So I assumed this would be an okay thing to compliment the cashier on.

    So. Wrong. As I was leaving, I said, "I hope this doesn't sound weird, but: You have a really cute voice. *embarrassed laugh* Like, it just sounds cute." Her expression dropped and she was like, "Okay." and so I said to have a nice day and left. Didn't think much of it at the time, and told mom on the way out and she thought it was nice and not weird. Not the most common compliment, but it is still a compliment.

    Before I go further: I have complimented both women and men on their voices when they have nice voices. It is not a line, and has never, for me, been taken as a line.

    So I go on and have a fantastic day. I joined a community choir. A big thing for me because I have never done anything like choir. Ever. I am a shower and car singer. This was a huge deal, and I came out of there feeling great. I came out of there feeling accepted and like a part of something. I have never felt like that, not by a large group of people. It was fun, and I felt a certain level of comfort and confidence...that I have never felt around people. Not like that. I felt like I belonged. I have always felt out-of-place, my whole life. So it was nice to feel like like I...sort of...fit, at least a little.

    We swung by the store to see if we could catch them before they closed. I wanted chocolate chips, you know? We got there just barely too late.

    ...I go to the car and ask mom to enter a date into her phone so that I can remember an appointment. Guess who comes out of the store to get into the car in front of us? That cashier. I didn't even realize it was her either. I had looked up at the same time she looked into the van. I smiled to be friendly and then she got this weird look on her face, stiffened her posture and turned away awkwardly and quickly got into the car. That got me wondering, and it was then that I realized who that was.

    So then me and mom go drive downtown to look at a Temple. It is one of our favorite places to drive past and sometimes go walk around during the day. Well, it is late at night so we can only go do a drive-by. Then we have to go to Wal-Mart so mom can pick up some stuff.

    You probably know what I am going to say next. Don't you? THE CASHIER WAS THERE WITH HER BOYFRIEND. WHAT. THE. HECK???

    Now, this is not the first time I have run into a worker from that store at another place. I usually smile and say, "Hey!" It's not a thing of, "We're friends now that I recognize you, so hey, let's stop and talk for 15 minutes!!" No, no, no. I simply recognize you, so I'm going to be friendly. I do this and she gets that weird look on her face, stiffens her posture, turns away awkwardly, and leans into her boyfriend for protection.

    Oh. My. HELL. She thinks I am a lesbian and that I was hitting on her?! Yeah, basically. First: I am not a lesbian. Second: If I was, she wouldn't even be my type. I know that makes me sound shallow, and I'm sorry to say it, but there it is!! I'm sorry. I've been thinking mean things (that I will not type). I tried to resist, but I am so mad, so offended, so hurt. I figure that as mean as that is of me, I just...need to feel like I'm...I don't even know. No, I am not justified at all in insulting someone, even in thought, and there is no "good" reason for it. But I am not perfect. Hopefully I can do better next time.

    Well. It just got better. We almost ended up behind them at check-out, but instead went past them to the self check-outs. We got done at the same stupid time and she put her hand on her stupid boyfriend's chest to stop him and was doing the stupid awkward "protect me" pose leaning into her stupid boyfriend in her stupid way and watching me in her stupid judgmental manner. "Why?" you may ask. She was waiting for me to leave first. Damn. What the hell?!

    Really quick: I apologize to anyone who finds my swearing offensive. I try really hard not to swear, and those that have read my Blog before know that I almost never do on here, but I get really worked up thinking about this...and...well, my swear jar got a sizable donation yesterday and today.... My mom and I are trying to not swear, because we realized we sometimes have a problem with saying "damn", "bitch", and "hell". Sometimes "shit"...but that one is one I try not to use; I find it particularly crude. But, anyway, the idea is to put a quarter in the jar for every swear word. My dad, since he never swears, uses the money from our jars to get a treat from time to time. His reward for not swearing, I guess.

    So then we get out...oh wait. First, I had seen this in my peripheral. So I don't think she knew that I saw her do this. Stupid, crazy....*mumble, mumble*

    So we get out and put the cart away and are sorely tempted to wait on a bench for her to pass, just to make her really uncomfortable. We didn't. So we go out the doors and I looked off to the side to make sure no cars were coming and in my peripheral see her and her guy coming out. Fine, whatever. We keep going, and I'm half-way expecting for us to end up being parked next to them with the way things were going (thankfully, we were not). Then I got hit with a wall of cigarette smoke and fall down. I can't freaking use my legs anymore and I start getting really dizzy, so I put my mask on and mom is helping me. I'm limping along...and...I got this vibe that was like, "Oh, what an attention whore" or something. I wasn't doing it for attention, dammit. I am allergic to cigarette smoke, as previous readers know, and I am lucky that was all the reaction was this time.

    Anyway...so now I feel like I can't be accepted by people, and that I can't be nice to people just to be nice. That...brat.

    And you know what? If I was a lesbian, I would be exceptionally offended at her behavior. She could be classified as a type of bully. I hope her giving a compliment to someone backfires on her like this so she can feel the way I do. Probably won't, but I can wish.

    I am also dreading the next time I have to go to this store to get something, because...well, I don't want to be treated that way at somewhere I have come to thoroughly enjoy going. There are some lovely people that work there that I sometimes have the pleasure of talking to. But now I worry that she may have told her coworkers that I was hitting on her and that I'm going to be shunned. I know it is unfair of me to make that assumption and to have that worry...but, you know what? I am worried. That store is one of the few places I have been able to go over the past year, year and a half....

    Thankfully, while we were at Wal-Mart, mom suggested checking their gluten-free section and THEY HAD MY ALLERGY-FRIENDLY CHOCOLATE. So, I ate chocolate. Why is it that whenever someone feels upset, they want chocolate..?

    But...I made this post...because I am absolutely sickened by this cashier. My mom said that 20 years ago, what I said would have been taken as a compliment and nothing more. I am sickened that the world has become a place where giving someone a compliment gets taken as "hitting on" someone, as flirting. So...there are no longer people in the world who are trying to be nice just for the sake of being nice? Is that it? I mean...it's like that thing that went around on facebook, "When a guy holds a door open, it isn't flirting" or something to that effect. The point of that was to say that men should hold the door open all the time so a girl doesn't get so used to opening her own door, that when a guy opens a door for her to be courteous she doesn't mistake it for, "HE LIKES ME!!!" But...it is similar. Is the world so devoid of people giving compliments regularly that when someone does give one to be nice, it is seen as flirting?

    A compliment is not a line, flirting. A compliment is someone noting a feature you possess to try and give you a boost. They do it to be kind, sincere...not to try and get a date or something ridiculous....

    I can't even tell you how shattered I feel inside. I feel so, so hurt. So angry. To be judged inaccurately like that because I dared to try and be kind, is awful. Today I felt nervous going out, nervous around people. I have been working for years to not be nervous around people. But I was worried that if I said something to anyone, it would backfire again.

    The worst part? I had a spectacular day other than that. I actually felt very confident - more confident than I have felt in my life. I was striking up conversation with complete strangers everywhere I went. It was a wonderful day. I keep reminding myself that, and reminding myself that it was just one stupid person. And this one stupid person is not worth my time like this, not worth my emotions. But no matter how hard I try, I can't stop feeling upset about what happened.

    And that goes against advice that I have given. Don't waste your energy on those who don't know you. *sigh* I am working on it, so please don't think me a hypocrite. I'm not...not usually, not intentionally.... But, you know, something I always say, "At some point in your life, you are going to say or do something hypocritical. Everyone does. The best you can do, is to be honest and to admit that you are a hypocrite." So, you know what? I am a hypocrite tonight. But at least I am an honest one.

    I just want to cry.

    What kind of place has the world become?

    I think part of why it is bothering me so much, is that while I know she is only one person...I know that there are so many more people like her, and the amount of people that can't recognize a sincere compliment is probably growing.

    So please...when you get a compliment, even if it is a bit of a weird one, just say thank you and know that someone thought there was something pleasant enough about you that they wanted you to know so that you could feel good about yourself. It isn't them hitting on you. They are just being nice. Please start giving people compliments when you happen to notice something pleasant about someone. I think if more people gave compliments more often, it would not be seen as flirting. Just normal, everyday kindness. But...kindness is no longer everyday, is it? At least, not where I live.

    I just wish I could live somewhere where they are always polite and kind. That is my nature and I don't live somewhere like that, not really. *sigh* I wonder if anywhere in the world is like that....

    And, dear reader? Do me a favor? Share this post with people. I know it is a very heated post, and I apologize. But...it hit me hard. How many other people have had similar experiences and may feel like they can no longer give compliments? How many people might you know that are like this cashier, that you may not even know are like that? They need to be told that complimenting is kindness, not someone hitting on them. So please, share this with whoever you can, however you can. I know that is asking a lot, and I am sorry. But thank you; either for sharing, or for at least reading this all the way through.

    I apologize again for my language and how heated this post is.

Have a good night, dear reader.

-Bryn