So, I Ate Chocolate.

    I had a very awful experience yesterday, and I am still upset. I am feeling very hurt. Honestly, I feel a need to suddenly try and change myself to be accepted by...well, someone.... I don't know. I'm not really going to change myself, not after I finally figured myself out, I just feel a strong want to be accepted is all.

    I gave someone a compliment yesterday, and it ended up being such an awful, awful experience. Before I get into the experience, let me tell about myself a bit:

    I have spent most of the last year in bed. Before this past year, I had a very hard time interacting with people. I am painfully shy when it comes down to it. It doesn't always look like I am, but I am. I more-or-less only have one friend, and I almost never see her because life gets crazy. It happens. I try to be kind others, because I am very lonely...even if I don't show it. I know what it is like to be having an awful day and getting a compliment from or having a conversation with a stranger always brightens it. I know from acquaintances and family that working in a store isn't always easy, and that sometimes customers give you a lot of crap. I like to either strike up a small conversation with those who help me at different stores, or find something to compliment them on. I figure you never know when someone is having a bad day, so always be kind. When I pass people on the street or in a store, or even just making eye-contact with someone while driving, I like to give them a smile. It always makes me feel happier when I get a smile from someone. Knowing these things make me happy, I try to do them for others.

    So I was at a store I have been going to for quite some time, as it is one of the few stores I can go to for food that won't kill me, and the cashier checking me out was one I had never seen before. She must be new. Not to be completely rude, but...there wasn't much to compliment her on. She was...unique-looking...and her clothes were, well, a little baggy. But she had a cute voice. I don't mean that in a creepy way. You know how some women have voices that have kind of a sweet, high tone to them, and sometimes by their appearance you wouldn't guess it? Yeah, like that. I had a friend in high school with that kind of voice (though, she is also very pretty), and I told her as much. She had smiled and said thank you. So I assumed this would be an okay thing to compliment the cashier on.

    So. Wrong. As I was leaving, I said, "I hope this doesn't sound weird, but: You have a really cute voice. *embarrassed laugh* Like, it just sounds cute." Her expression dropped and she was like, "Okay." and so I said to have a nice day and left. Didn't think much of it at the time, and told mom on the way out and she thought it was nice and not weird. Not the most common compliment, but it is still a compliment.

    Before I go further: I have complimented both women and men on their voices when they have nice voices. It is not a line, and has never, for me, been taken as a line.

    So I go on and have a fantastic day. I joined a community choir. A big thing for me because I have never done anything like choir. Ever. I am a shower and car singer. This was a huge deal, and I came out of there feeling great. I came out of there feeling accepted and like a part of something. I have never felt like that, not by a large group of people. It was fun, and I felt a certain level of comfort and confidence...that I have never felt around people. Not like that. I felt like I belonged. I have always felt out-of-place, my whole life. So it was nice to feel like like I...sort of...fit, at least a little.

    We swung by the store to see if we could catch them before they closed. I wanted chocolate chips, you know? We got there just barely too late.

    ...I go to the car and ask mom to enter a date into her phone so that I can remember an appointment. Guess who comes out of the store to get into the car in front of us? That cashier. I didn't even realize it was her either. I had looked up at the same time she looked into the van. I smiled to be friendly and then she got this weird look on her face, stiffened her posture and turned away awkwardly and quickly got into the car. That got me wondering, and it was then that I realized who that was.

    So then me and mom go drive downtown to look at a Temple. It is one of our favorite places to drive past and sometimes go walk around during the day. Well, it is late at night so we can only go do a drive-by. Then we have to go to Wal-Mart so mom can pick up some stuff.

    You probably know what I am going to say next. Don't you? THE CASHIER WAS THERE WITH HER BOYFRIEND. WHAT. THE. HECK???

    Now, this is not the first time I have run into a worker from that store at another place. I usually smile and say, "Hey!" It's not a thing of, "We're friends now that I recognize you, so hey, let's stop and talk for 15 minutes!!" No, no, no. I simply recognize you, so I'm going to be friendly. I do this and she gets that weird look on her face, stiffens her posture, turns away awkwardly, and leans into her boyfriend for protection.

    Oh. My. HELL. She thinks I am a lesbian and that I was hitting on her?! Yeah, basically. First: I am not a lesbian. Second: If I was, she wouldn't even be my type. I know that makes me sound shallow, and I'm sorry to say it, but there it is!! I'm sorry. I've been thinking mean things (that I will not type). I tried to resist, but I am so mad, so offended, so hurt. I figure that as mean as that is of me, I just...need to feel like I'm...I don't even know. No, I am not justified at all in insulting someone, even in thought, and there is no "good" reason for it. But I am not perfect. Hopefully I can do better next time.

    Well. It just got better. We almost ended up behind them at check-out, but instead went past them to the self check-outs. We got done at the same stupid time and she put her hand on her stupid boyfriend's chest to stop him and was doing the stupid awkward "protect me" pose leaning into her stupid boyfriend in her stupid way and watching me in her stupid judgmental manner. "Why?" you may ask. She was waiting for me to leave first. Damn. What the hell?!

    Really quick: I apologize to anyone who finds my swearing offensive. I try really hard not to swear, and those that have read my Blog before know that I almost never do on here, but I get really worked up thinking about this...and...well, my swear jar got a sizable donation yesterday and today.... My mom and I are trying to not swear, because we realized we sometimes have a problem with saying "damn", "bitch", and "hell". Sometimes "shit"...but that one is one I try not to use; I find it particularly crude. But, anyway, the idea is to put a quarter in the jar for every swear word. My dad, since he never swears, uses the money from our jars to get a treat from time to time. His reward for not swearing, I guess.

    So then we get out...oh wait. First, I had seen this in my peripheral. So I don't think she knew that I saw her do this. Stupid, crazy....*mumble, mumble*

    So we get out and put the cart away and are sorely tempted to wait on a bench for her to pass, just to make her really uncomfortable. We didn't. So we go out the doors and I looked off to the side to make sure no cars were coming and in my peripheral see her and her guy coming out. Fine, whatever. We keep going, and I'm half-way expecting for us to end up being parked next to them with the way things were going (thankfully, we were not). Then I got hit with a wall of cigarette smoke and fall down. I can't freaking use my legs anymore and I start getting really dizzy, so I put my mask on and mom is helping me. I'm limping along...and...I got this vibe that was like, "Oh, what an attention whore" or something. I wasn't doing it for attention, dammit. I am allergic to cigarette smoke, as previous readers know, and I am lucky that was all the reaction was this time.

    Anyway...so now I feel like I can't be accepted by people, and that I can't be nice to people just to be nice. That...brat.

    And you know what? If I was a lesbian, I would be exceptionally offended at her behavior. She could be classified as a type of bully. I hope her giving a compliment to someone backfires on her like this so she can feel the way I do. Probably won't, but I can wish.

    I am also dreading the next time I have to go to this store to get something, because...well, I don't want to be treated that way at somewhere I have come to thoroughly enjoy going. There are some lovely people that work there that I sometimes have the pleasure of talking to. But now I worry that she may have told her coworkers that I was hitting on her and that I'm going to be shunned. I know it is unfair of me to make that assumption and to have that worry...but, you know what? I am worried. That store is one of the few places I have been able to go over the past year, year and a half....

    Thankfully, while we were at Wal-Mart, mom suggested checking their gluten-free section and THEY HAD MY ALLERGY-FRIENDLY CHOCOLATE. So, I ate chocolate. Why is it that whenever someone feels upset, they want chocolate..?

    But...I made this post...because I am absolutely sickened by this cashier. My mom said that 20 years ago, what I said would have been taken as a compliment and nothing more. I am sickened that the world has become a place where giving someone a compliment gets taken as "hitting on" someone, as flirting. So...there are no longer people in the world who are trying to be nice just for the sake of being nice? Is that it? I mean...it's like that thing that went around on facebook, "When a guy holds a door open, it isn't flirting" or something to that effect. The point of that was to say that men should hold the door open all the time so a girl doesn't get so used to opening her own door, that when a guy opens a door for her to be courteous she doesn't mistake it for, "HE LIKES ME!!!" But...it is similar. Is the world so devoid of people giving compliments regularly that when someone does give one to be nice, it is seen as flirting?

    A compliment is not a line, flirting. A compliment is someone noting a feature you possess to try and give you a boost. They do it to be kind, sincere...not to try and get a date or something ridiculous....

    I can't even tell you how shattered I feel inside. I feel so, so hurt. So angry. To be judged inaccurately like that because I dared to try and be kind, is awful. Today I felt nervous going out, nervous around people. I have been working for years to not be nervous around people. But I was worried that if I said something to anyone, it would backfire again.

    The worst part? I had a spectacular day other than that. I actually felt very confident - more confident than I have felt in my life. I was striking up conversation with complete strangers everywhere I went. It was a wonderful day. I keep reminding myself that, and reminding myself that it was just one stupid person. And this one stupid person is not worth my time like this, not worth my emotions. But no matter how hard I try, I can't stop feeling upset about what happened.

    And that goes against advice that I have given. Don't waste your energy on those who don't know you. *sigh* I am working on it, so please don't think me a hypocrite. I'm not...not usually, not intentionally.... But, you know, something I always say, "At some point in your life, you are going to say or do something hypocritical. Everyone does. The best you can do, is to be honest and to admit that you are a hypocrite." So, you know what? I am a hypocrite tonight. But at least I am an honest one.

    I just want to cry.

    What kind of place has the world become?

    I think part of why it is bothering me so much, is that while I know she is only one person...I know that there are so many more people like her, and the amount of people that can't recognize a sincere compliment is probably growing.

    So please...when you get a compliment, even if it is a bit of a weird one, just say thank you and know that someone thought there was something pleasant enough about you that they wanted you to know so that you could feel good about yourself. It isn't them hitting on you. They are just being nice. Please start giving people compliments when you happen to notice something pleasant about someone. I think if more people gave compliments more often, it would not be seen as flirting. Just normal, everyday kindness. But...kindness is no longer everyday, is it? At least, not where I live.

    I just wish I could live somewhere where they are always polite and kind. That is my nature and I don't live somewhere like that, not really. *sigh* I wonder if anywhere in the world is like that....

    And, dear reader? Do me a favor? Share this post with people. I know it is a very heated post, and I apologize. But...it hit me hard. How many other people have had similar experiences and may feel like they can no longer give compliments? How many people might you know that are like this cashier, that you may not even know are like that? They need to be told that complimenting is kindness, not someone hitting on them. So please, share this with whoever you can, however you can. I know that is asking a lot, and I am sorry. But thank you; either for sharing, or for at least reading this all the way through.

    I apologize again for my language and how heated this post is.

Have a good night, dear reader.

-Bryn